Post by Emilie Carter on May 8, 2012 7:43:20 GMT -5
This is the first diary I’ve kept in a few years. Since I moved in with Jac actually. So I should probably introduce myself, it is how I always start my diaries after all. I am Emilie Anne Carter twenty two years old and French 'popstar'. Or at least I was, but I’ve left France now. It’s so strange not to be living in my native country, not to be near Mammon and Papa, not being able to go visit Bette on a whim. Not having Jac sleeping next to me.
Jac- Jacques Bacarat, is the only boy I’ve ever been in love with. He’s also the reason that I’ve moved away from France. I’ve moved to have a fresh start. One without him. Wow, I never thought that that would be so difficult to write. Thinking it was always hard, but still. The fact is that my relationship with Jac had never been normal.
We had been childhood friends, best friends actually. We ruled the little town we lived in. We knew every nook and cranny of it, Mammon hated that he took me out with him when he went on his adventures. She wanted me to be a good little half veela, to sit around and play dolls and tea parties with Bette. But I couldn’t do that, Jac always held that power over me, I wanted to please him. So when he told me we were going on another adventure I was excited.
When Jacques left for Beauxbattons I was crushed. I had to wait two whole years before I got to go there. It was at this point I turned to music, something that Mammon loved. She deemed it a suitable pass time, much better than ‘traipsing around in the mud with that boy’. I poured my heart and soul onto paper, learned guitar and piano, songs being an escape for emotions that I couldn’t keep inside any more. Mammon said it was unusual for a child so young to be able to song write so well. I had a natural gift.
When I turned eleven and it was time for me to got to school with Jac and my sister Bette I took my guitar with me. I was well known in the common rooms for starting a sing song, my dorm mates were driven insane by my constant singing, morning noon and night. It was just how I was.
When I was fifteen I had my first boyfriend, Klaus. Jac hated him with passion. He was a year older than me, so a year younger than Jac. I couldn’t understand why Jac hated him so much, I had waited for him all my life, but he dated. He got with other girls, so why wasn’t I allowed to have Klaus. Klaus was gorgeous, he had blonde hair and blue eyes and he worshiped the very ground I walked on. He complimented me at every chance he got, claiming that he loved to see the blush paint my cheeks. He loved to sit and listen to me sing, we could even just sit together in comfortable silence while he played with my hair.
But Jac was on me every second I wasn’t with him. Walking with me down the hall demanding what I saw in him. Asking why I would want to be with a priss like Klaus. He was driving me insane. Then one day I asked him why he even cared so much about me being with Klaus. And he kissed me. That was my first ever kiss with Jacques. And quite honestly I still couldn’t tell you if I regret it or not. It had been the best kiss of my life so far. There were fireworks, there were butterflies and after there was a world of regret.
I spent the next day crying in my dorm, I had kissed him back, I had cheated on Klaus. For a week or two I pretended it hadn’t happened, I tried to get on with my relationship with Klaus but things were different. His kisses didn’t affect me like they had. I found myself wishing for another pair of lips. Jac didn’t help, he pestered me, making me feel guilty. Asking if I didn’t feel it too? Telling me that we belonged together and I was just hurting Klaus by staying with him. He said that we were going to end up together anyway.
I broke up with Klaus before school was let out for summer. I told him everything, I cried, he cried. But he told me he understood. He wasn’t happy that I had kept the fact that Jac had kissed me from him. He didn’t blame me for that, said I had been caught off guard. He wished me all the best and kissed my forehead. But when I got home the next day I noticed that Jac had a black eye. We never mentioned it.
That summer was the best summer of my life. Jacques and I spent every day together. Driving around town, lying out on the grass. I fell in love with Jacques Baracat that summer, not that I told him that. Then I went back to school and Jac moved to Paris bought and apartment and got work behind the desk of an apothecary. I spent my last two years of school focusing on my friends and my music, knowing that this was what I wanted to do after I left Beauxbattons. Over the course of the two years things got a little… different with Jacques. It wasn’t big things, his letters became a bit more demanding. He wanted to know who I was seeing, what I was doing. By the end of seventh year he was furious if I didn’t reply to his letters right away.
We spent all our holidays together, during these holidays I didn’t really see my friends, only Jac and my family, and his Mum of course. My friends didn’t like this, they thought it was unhealthy. Katarina, my best friend from school hated Jac. She hated that I would scrabble to reply to his letters. She didn’t like that she never got to see me during the holidays. She said that the way Jacques was behaving wasn’t normal in a relationship. I told he it was none of her business. I loved Jac and I wanted what he had, she was just blind to it.
After I left school I moved in with Jac, into his flat in Paris. At first it was amazing it was like we were newly weds. We made love passionately and often. We spent a summer exploring Paris, our new playground- though I knew that Jac probably already knew all of the places he took me to. He just wanted to see them with me. That was what I loved about it.
But then summer came to an end, Jac started working more and I started trying to find a record label to sign me for my music. I did lots of pub gig’s. Managed to support a few bigger bands, but it was a tough few months I was seventeen and doubting myself. Jac didn’t like me playing the gig’s, he would stand at the side of the stage glaring where no one could see him. But then I got signed, and not by just anyone, but by Music4U, the biggest muggle music label in France.
Everything was so exciting, all of a sudden I was whisked away to record almost every day. If I was home late Jac would demand why I was late, who had I been with? He even grabbed me a few times, shaking me, demanding to know if I had been with another man. I had to wear long sleeved tops to cover up the bruises.
But it was the night of my first gig that was all for me that it really started. I had been working up to this gig since I got signed. It was the most amazing time of my life, all of those people there for me. At the end of the show my manager came in with a few fan, two girls and a guy. They all wanted pictures and autographs, which I was thrilled to give. The girls picture were fine, but when the boy- he was around my age- put his arm around me I saw Jac’s jaw tighten in the corner. He had his arms crossed and didn’t look impressed.
Jacques was silent the whole car journey home, I didn’t know what I had done wrong. When we got inside Jac put his keys down on the table that be kept beside the door. I took my jacket off and touched his arm tentatively. He asked what the hell I thought I had been doing letting that boy ‘molest’ me for the picture. I tried to explain that he was a fan, I was just doing my job, but that infuriated Jac. He turned around and slapped me full across the face.
I felt shocked tears leap into my eyes. He had never done anything like that before. Then he walked out of the apartment, taking the keys with him and locking the door on the way out. I don’t know how long I cried for before I feel asleep. My perfect night was ruined, all because I let a boy put his arm around me for a picture, I was so stupid. The next morning Jac was full of apologies, he cried and begged me to forgive him- which of course I did. He kissed my swollen face promising never to hurt me in that way again.
Of course that wasn’t how it worked out, Jac couldn’t stand all the male attention that I got, and sometimes he just lost control. It wasn’t his fault. He just… it was the male fans, he said the looked at me like I was a piece of meat. He said I was going to leave him for some other guy just like I left Klaus for him. I cried for hours because of that comment.
As time passed Jac stopped being as sorry for what he did. He hated my music, he hated it because it took me away from him. So he gave me a choice, him or the music.
I love Jac. Loved Jac. But music is in my very soul. It is a part of who I am. That’s why I left Paris. Why I left France. Because there was no way I could stay in the same country as Jacques without loosing my will power. I would have given it all up if he spent long enough trying to persuade me. I gave him almost seven years of my life, in almost five of which he abused me. And I still couldn't tell you that I don't love him.
So here I am diary in a new country, starting afresh. Just me and my music. No family, no friends and no Jacques.
Jac- Jacques Bacarat, is the only boy I’ve ever been in love with. He’s also the reason that I’ve moved away from France. I’ve moved to have a fresh start. One without him. Wow, I never thought that that would be so difficult to write. Thinking it was always hard, but still. The fact is that my relationship with Jac had never been normal.
We had been childhood friends, best friends actually. We ruled the little town we lived in. We knew every nook and cranny of it, Mammon hated that he took me out with him when he went on his adventures. She wanted me to be a good little half veela, to sit around and play dolls and tea parties with Bette. But I couldn’t do that, Jac always held that power over me, I wanted to please him. So when he told me we were going on another adventure I was excited.
When Jacques left for Beauxbattons I was crushed. I had to wait two whole years before I got to go there. It was at this point I turned to music, something that Mammon loved. She deemed it a suitable pass time, much better than ‘traipsing around in the mud with that boy’. I poured my heart and soul onto paper, learned guitar and piano, songs being an escape for emotions that I couldn’t keep inside any more. Mammon said it was unusual for a child so young to be able to song write so well. I had a natural gift.
When I turned eleven and it was time for me to got to school with Jac and my sister Bette I took my guitar with me. I was well known in the common rooms for starting a sing song, my dorm mates were driven insane by my constant singing, morning noon and night. It was just how I was.
When I was fifteen I had my first boyfriend, Klaus. Jac hated him with passion. He was a year older than me, so a year younger than Jac. I couldn’t understand why Jac hated him so much, I had waited for him all my life, but he dated. He got with other girls, so why wasn’t I allowed to have Klaus. Klaus was gorgeous, he had blonde hair and blue eyes and he worshiped the very ground I walked on. He complimented me at every chance he got, claiming that he loved to see the blush paint my cheeks. He loved to sit and listen to me sing, we could even just sit together in comfortable silence while he played with my hair.
But Jac was on me every second I wasn’t with him. Walking with me down the hall demanding what I saw in him. Asking why I would want to be with a priss like Klaus. He was driving me insane. Then one day I asked him why he even cared so much about me being with Klaus. And he kissed me. That was my first ever kiss with Jacques. And quite honestly I still couldn’t tell you if I regret it or not. It had been the best kiss of my life so far. There were fireworks, there were butterflies and after there was a world of regret.
I spent the next day crying in my dorm, I had kissed him back, I had cheated on Klaus. For a week or two I pretended it hadn’t happened, I tried to get on with my relationship with Klaus but things were different. His kisses didn’t affect me like they had. I found myself wishing for another pair of lips. Jac didn’t help, he pestered me, making me feel guilty. Asking if I didn’t feel it too? Telling me that we belonged together and I was just hurting Klaus by staying with him. He said that we were going to end up together anyway.
I broke up with Klaus before school was let out for summer. I told him everything, I cried, he cried. But he told me he understood. He wasn’t happy that I had kept the fact that Jac had kissed me from him. He didn’t blame me for that, said I had been caught off guard. He wished me all the best and kissed my forehead. But when I got home the next day I noticed that Jac had a black eye. We never mentioned it.
That summer was the best summer of my life. Jacques and I spent every day together. Driving around town, lying out on the grass. I fell in love with Jacques Baracat that summer, not that I told him that. Then I went back to school and Jac moved to Paris bought and apartment and got work behind the desk of an apothecary. I spent my last two years of school focusing on my friends and my music, knowing that this was what I wanted to do after I left Beauxbattons. Over the course of the two years things got a little… different with Jacques. It wasn’t big things, his letters became a bit more demanding. He wanted to know who I was seeing, what I was doing. By the end of seventh year he was furious if I didn’t reply to his letters right away.
We spent all our holidays together, during these holidays I didn’t really see my friends, only Jac and my family, and his Mum of course. My friends didn’t like this, they thought it was unhealthy. Katarina, my best friend from school hated Jac. She hated that I would scrabble to reply to his letters. She didn’t like that she never got to see me during the holidays. She said that the way Jacques was behaving wasn’t normal in a relationship. I told he it was none of her business. I loved Jac and I wanted what he had, she was just blind to it.
After I left school I moved in with Jac, into his flat in Paris. At first it was amazing it was like we were newly weds. We made love passionately and often. We spent a summer exploring Paris, our new playground- though I knew that Jac probably already knew all of the places he took me to. He just wanted to see them with me. That was what I loved about it.
But then summer came to an end, Jac started working more and I started trying to find a record label to sign me for my music. I did lots of pub gig’s. Managed to support a few bigger bands, but it was a tough few months I was seventeen and doubting myself. Jac didn’t like me playing the gig’s, he would stand at the side of the stage glaring where no one could see him. But then I got signed, and not by just anyone, but by Music4U, the biggest muggle music label in France.
Everything was so exciting, all of a sudden I was whisked away to record almost every day. If I was home late Jac would demand why I was late, who had I been with? He even grabbed me a few times, shaking me, demanding to know if I had been with another man. I had to wear long sleeved tops to cover up the bruises.
But it was the night of my first gig that was all for me that it really started. I had been working up to this gig since I got signed. It was the most amazing time of my life, all of those people there for me. At the end of the show my manager came in with a few fan, two girls and a guy. They all wanted pictures and autographs, which I was thrilled to give. The girls picture were fine, but when the boy- he was around my age- put his arm around me I saw Jac’s jaw tighten in the corner. He had his arms crossed and didn’t look impressed.
Jacques was silent the whole car journey home, I didn’t know what I had done wrong. When we got inside Jac put his keys down on the table that be kept beside the door. I took my jacket off and touched his arm tentatively. He asked what the hell I thought I had been doing letting that boy ‘molest’ me for the picture. I tried to explain that he was a fan, I was just doing my job, but that infuriated Jac. He turned around and slapped me full across the face.
I felt shocked tears leap into my eyes. He had never done anything like that before. Then he walked out of the apartment, taking the keys with him and locking the door on the way out. I don’t know how long I cried for before I feel asleep. My perfect night was ruined, all because I let a boy put his arm around me for a picture, I was so stupid. The next morning Jac was full of apologies, he cried and begged me to forgive him- which of course I did. He kissed my swollen face promising never to hurt me in that way again.
Of course that wasn’t how it worked out, Jac couldn’t stand all the male attention that I got, and sometimes he just lost control. It wasn’t his fault. He just… it was the male fans, he said the looked at me like I was a piece of meat. He said I was going to leave him for some other guy just like I left Klaus for him. I cried for hours because of that comment.
As time passed Jac stopped being as sorry for what he did. He hated my music, he hated it because it took me away from him. So he gave me a choice, him or the music.
I love Jac. Loved Jac. But music is in my very soul. It is a part of who I am. That’s why I left Paris. Why I left France. Because there was no way I could stay in the same country as Jacques without loosing my will power. I would have given it all up if he spent long enough trying to persuade me. I gave him almost seven years of my life, in almost five of which he abused me. And I still couldn't tell you that I don't love him.
So here I am diary in a new country, starting afresh. Just me and my music. No family, no friends and no Jacques.